Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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