my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
