If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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