it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't deserve a penis
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
