he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
