Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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