During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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