i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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