On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
