Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
