consequently i now know what mace tastes like
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
