apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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