He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
