I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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