So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
