i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
