You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
