I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
