Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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