so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
