At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
