Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
