Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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