I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
