Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
