I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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