Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need to stop coming to work sober
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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