I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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