I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
