She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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