I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
