The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
