some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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