i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
