If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
