This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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