I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
