I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
