You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
