Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
