So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
