I can text with my tongue
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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