That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
