Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
