The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
