How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
