My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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