Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
