I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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