Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
