he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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