I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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