now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
