Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
