He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
