i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize