I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
