The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
