She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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