you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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