You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Blood and glitter go together right?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
