i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
