i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize