I didn't shave. On purpose
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
